This is my story! To other professed Secular Franciscans: Please share your story with us. Thank You.

My father never became an active participant in the developmental processes of his children, whether it be physically, psychologically, spiritually, or emotionally. For him the signing of the premarital agreement with the church officials was just another step in a series of disingenuous, unverifiable, unmeasurable, and unkept promises written into a dispensable document. He viewed his marriage to my mother as just another accomplishment in his life. He was a young man coming from a poor southern family who migrated to the north during the 1930's, in search of wealth. My mother, however, was an older woman coming from a wealthy family who just happened to be a close friend of his older sister. Consequently, because of this church law, following a year in the public-school system --kindergarten-- I was immediately transferred out of the secular educational system, and enrolled into the parochial-school system at Saint Mary's Help of Christian's Grammar School located in Windfield, Queens, New York City, New York.

The time spent under the rules and guidance of the Dominican Sisters brings with it a mixed bag of emotional memories. Learning under their set of strict rules of conduct, at times left much to be desired. Here was a child moving out of the liberal public school system, which forbid the use of any corporal punishment, into an environment based solely upon the accepted utilization of corporal punishment by today's standards, this practice would have been considered an extreme form of discipline. Considering that all communities are reflections of society, the members of the Dominican Order were no different, and imbued with a variety of personalities. Some who were sincere about their commitment, bringing the love of Christ into the world, while others would make you wonder why they selected this lifestyle.

Students progressed upward through the grades in half-year measurements. In other words, the entire first grade material would be split into two time-measurable segments. The first grade (1a and 1b) were equally divided by the Christmas break; approximately 5-months; and each segment was under the direct supervision of a permanently assigned home-room sister. We never had to transfer classrooms like the students of the public school system. Our home-room sister would teach all the required subjects, which meant you learned to live under her rules and regulations regardless how whimsical they appeared to be. During the midterm, the transition from the A to B segment, the exiting students would voluntarily supply the unsuspected newly entering students with information concerning the environmental conditions established by their soon to be assigned a home-room sister. Yet, even with the threat of corporal punishment looming daily in the minds of the students, there was a strange sense of love that emanated from the entire experience. The daily conversations amongst the students while standing on the various lines for lunch, breakfast, confession, vaccinations, etc., would always include rumors about students who had fallen victim to disciplinary actions. Naturally, these bits of information always contained the what, who, where, and how data. Amidst all this, whenever I look back to those days, I must confess, I loved those years, but not enough to want to repeat them.

I belonged to the choir and particularly enjoyed the preparations required for the assorted celebrations that would occur during the Christmas season. We practiced the songs until we had them committed to memory; there would be no screw ups in Miss. Mal Rosa's choir. When the big night finally arrived, we performed the songs in stereo with the men and women located in the rear of the church standing in the choir loft, and the choirboys located in the front of the church standing around the altar. The performance lasted approximately one hour and was the primer for the famous Midnight Mass Celebration. Being an altar boy also meant that, once I completed singing for the choir, I would run into the sacristy and make a quick change into my altar boy garb.

Christmas wasn't the only seasonal church calendar celebration to take on a life of its own. There were additional special family type events. The only students who attended these events, however, were those fortunate enough to have parents that desired to participate. These special liturgical celebrations, were filled with pomp and ceremony involving all. Student family members were invited to these events in an effort to promote a community spirit amongst all the parish families. Sadly, this community spirit would only be a nurturing experience for those pure RC families because the NRC families hardly ever attended these activities. The pure RC family consisted of two RC parents, while most of the time the NRC family had the one uncooperative variable to contend with: the NRC member. The NCR families were always considered the second class family by the RC families, and managed to build closer relationships with the school staff. It was difficult for the RC partner in the NRC family to attend these activities on their own; always shunned and left out of the inner circle of parish friendships and activities. This same condition existed for the children of the mixed family. The consequences of these celebrations could prove to be most devastating and embarrassing, not only during the event, but throughout the entire school year. Like today, the children of yesteryear were also very cruel and heartless, always looking for those subtle differences in the lives that separate them from the others.

Those 8-years spent at Saint Mary's were sometimes tough, but full of excellent memories. Fortunately for me, I encountered several very compassionate sisters, who not only tended to my daily educational needs, but helped in the development of my spiritual and emotional strength. In those days, attendance at daily Mass was a normal requirement. The Church's teachings and Doctrines were reinforced daily by the Dominican sisters through the utility of the Baltimore Catechism. We received many hours of indoctrination addressing the consecration of the Mass, and how the bread and wine were mysteriously transformed into the Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ. We were also instructed, that upon Its reception, we should meditate upon this spiritual mystery and attempt to place ourselves into the presence of the spiritual Jesus. As students we followed these instructions, yet never experienced any special happening or occurrence, and eventually wrote this teaching off as another adult deception, particularly after discovering that Santa Claus never really existed. In harmony with the Church's calendar, the sisters made it a habit of sharing daily stories about the lives of the various saints. Every time a story included an account of a saint who had a religious experience, students would comment about the absence of this type of a spiritual event in their own lives. Eventually, this resulted in the development of a student paradigm of disbelief. The aforementioned milieu of personal discontent, uncertainty, and disbelief would become the impetus --as an adult-- to initiate a personal search for the truth about this esoteric God.

Following my graduation from grammar school, I entered into a RC high-school, only to discover that all my neighborhood friends were attending the local public high school. Naturally, I changed schools and never returned to the RC school system. I met my wife at the end of 1963 and we married in early 1965. Both of us deemed it important enough to marry within the Church, yet at this point of my life I was no longer a practicing Catholic. We wouldn't become an Orthopraxis couple in the Church until sometime later in our marriage during the summer of 1972. One evening while channel surfing, I happened across a Billy Graham crusade--a man admired by my maternal grandmother who was giving an Eschatological sermon that contained information which tweaked my interest. He described some of the signs of the end-times. Being raised in the pre-Vatican R. C. Church, I had never read the scriptures, albeit I owned a RC approved Bible which sat on my end table since the day of our wedding. I became determined to read and understand what was written in this Book, and made a personal commitment to read it from cover to cover. At first, I took most of what was written literally, but soon came to realize that this method was incorrect, and one needed to apply a hermeneutic interpretation. There was a sharp contrast between the God delineated in the Hebrew scriptures, and the Son of God portrayed in the Greek scriptures. I wondered why this phenomenon existed. I did, however, enjoy the Jesus portrayed in the Greek Scriptures because He appeared to be a more compassionate, loving, and understanding God.

It was during my third reading of the entire Bible that I decided to journey off and visit with people from other faith practices. I visited with Baptists, Jehovah Witnesses, Greek Orthodox, Methodists, Jews, Hari Chrisnas, Moonies, Lutherans, engaging them in discussions concerning matters of faith and traditions. When I asked them how some of their practices and traditions came to be, most of the time their responses were filled with uncertainty. Eventually, this search resulted in my return to the RC Church, and in particular, the Franciscan Order. I enjoyed the simplicity of Francis, and according to him, all one would have to do, would be to live the Gospel. Eventually and mysteriously, I found myself enrolling into a Third Order group (the St. Benedict the Moor Fraternity) at St. Francis's Church on 31^st Street in New Your City. How this came about is a story in and of itself, and I will digress a moment to share it with all interested readers, for all those uninterested please skip the next two paragraphs.

The year was 1972, and at this point my spiritual development strategy was rather simple. I would take a section of scripture, primarily from the Gospels, and attempt to put the message as I perceived it to be, into my daily life by practicing it. This was in keeping to Matthew 7: 24. Once I believed that I had accomplished this, I would move onto another reading and begin the process again. In other words, I would read a section of scripture and analyze it for its hermeneutic meaning. Once I believed that I had properly discerned it, I would attempt to place its teaching into my daily life and practice it. I believed that the new attitude and behavior reached accomplishment only after my practicing it, became a natural act and performed without the assistance of memory. The new attitude or behavior had to develop into an automatic reaction without assistance from the cognitive executive functioning system. If I had to think about it, it was not yet a learned process. For example, when I read Matthew 5:21-26, a statement concerning anger, I understood this to read that prior to attending any religious services all unresolved issues with other individuals, should be resolved prior to placing themselves into the presence of God; be it private prayer, or community worship. So not to be faced with this problem, my interpretation required that I made it a practice never to leave the presence of another while harboring an unresolved conflict. All differences had to be resolved, and never postponed to a later date. Neither would I allow the resolution of these differences be delayed, because of my own personal stubbornness. I even utilized a reward system for myself similar to Skinner's Classical Conditioning methodology; a method too detailed to be delineated in this article.

I remember one cold and snowy evening when we ran out of milk for the children. Not having any milk in the house, would make going to bed for them and us, if not difficult, impossible. Dressing for the inclement weather and grabbing a pocket full of change, I was on a mission to the corner deli. As I crossed the main street of Roosevelt Avenue, a man of the street approached me begging for some money and claiming that he needed the money to purchase some food at the corner White Castle. The alcohol on his breath wafted through the cold night air. This caused me to immediately decide against providing him with money. I believed that this would only support his drinking habit. I was faced with a dilemma; how was I to satisfy the scripture reading, "What you do for the least of my brothers, you do for Me?" With this in mind, rather than providing him with cash, I decided the best way to manage this would be to invite him to our home for a meal. As I walked past him, I explained to him that once I finished my business in the store if he were still here, I would bring him to my home and provide him with a hot meal. As I exited the store, I noticed that he was still standing there. We spoke as we walked to the house, and he began to describe how difficult life had been toward him. He mentioned some of the difficulties he had encountered with his fragmented family, and the influence it had upon his current condition. Upon my return home, as the stranger and I entered the house, the children became exited. They asked if the stranger was an estranged uncle of sorts, and I explained to them, that this was a man who was in need of a meal and that technically speaking, he wasn't related to us. I was surprised and relieved, that the children waited until the man departed from our home before they inquired about the strange odor that emanated from the man's clothing. A lengthy explanation about why he wasn't able to shower daily seemed to satisfy their curiosity, and they began to express sadness over the man's sad life.

Several days later, we fell on hard times. Shorted hours at work made it difficult to purchase food for the house. A neighbor had accidentally purchased, the same shopping list two-times; both the husband and wife had purchased the same order as they came home from work from their respective places of employment. Once they realized this, the wife came to our door asking if we could use some of the groceries. Her claim was that the milk and bread would go bad before they would have a chance to use it. Just what we needed for the children's lunch and to put the little ones to bed at night. Recanting this event, is not intended to diminish the neighbor's salient altruistic capacity to perceive a young married couple's financial struggle, but rather to underscore the Oikonomia of God.

After visiting and debating with the leaders and members of several various types of religious practices, my mother-in-law treated my wife and me to a movie called "Brother Sun and Sister Moon." It was a Franco Zeffirelli rendition of the life of St. Francis of Assisi. Aside from turning me off because it was a little too dramatic, what it did manage to create in me was a desire for additional research about the life of this saintly man. As I read about this man, I grew to appreciate his philosophical understanding of the practice of his faith. He walked away from the normally accepted paradigm of how one should practice and live their faith. He shunned the riches and wealth, at that time symbols of God's love, and instead accepted poverty. His actions preached how one should live and practice their faith. I admired how he managed to cut through the bureaucratic bull of all religious practices, and developed for himself a living and working relationship with Jesus Christ. I began to desire this type of relationship, and was determined to walk the same path as Francis. I found myself depriving myself of all worldly possessions and daily enjoyments, and began this process by giving away of my entire Beatle collection of record albums which continued to provide me with hours of enjoyment. Today, I had a change of heart concerning this matter and have reinvested in the entire collection in CD form, but I wonder what those original albums and covers must be worth, and if my cousin Theresa Susan ever kept them.

The next area to work on was the enjoyment of sleeping and resting. Here, I found myself sacrificing my sleep for prayer several nights per week. I even took my most favorite automobile, a 1969, Dodge, SuperBee with a 426-HEMI which is valued today at $500,000.00, and selling it for $1000.00. I immediately went out and purchased a 1954, standard shift, 4-door, Chevy, BelAir. I would attend daily Mass at a church several miles from my home, and instead of driving to Mass, I began to walk. I would go to Mass; return home; eat a slice of bread with a glass of water, and leave for work. Work was also several miles from home--but in a different direction--and I would walk this too, regardless of the season. One morning during the winter I woke to a snow storm that managed to surprise even the weatherman. Several inches had accumulated overnight and I decided to forgo walking to church and work. My reasoning included the possibilities of encountering snow drifts which would slow me down, and cause me to be late for work. Instead, I chose to drive the old car through the snow. My thought being, that a heavy car shouldn't get stuck in the snow. As I drove to church, I encountered an older man walking in the middle of the street. He was attempting to avoid the high snowdrifts that blocked his ability to walk freely on the sidewalk. He turned as I was passing him and put out his thumb seeking a ride. I cautiously pulled the car to the side of the road, avoiding the snowdrifts myself, and offered him a ride. He entered the car and as we drove through the storm to his home we engaged in a brief conversation. As he exited the car, he turned to thank me and handed me a small flyer. Running a little behind schedule, I stuffed the flyer into my coat pocket and went off to Mass. Later that evening when I came home from work, after my wife and children went off to bed, I remembered the flyer and retrieved it from my coat pocket. Ironically, it was a flyer describing the location and the names of the various Third Order Fraternities located in the City at 31^st. Street.

At this point in my life I was employed as a auto radiator repairperson. It was three weeks before Christmas, when my boss confronted me and asked that I begin to condemn more radiators so he could increase his profits for the holidays. In other words, whenever a radiator is condemned instead of him earning $12.00 for a repair, he could earn $100.00+ for the price of a new radiator. There were two of us who worked in this section of the automotive repair shop. The other man came from Columbian, South America, and his name was Gustavo Gonzalez. He too, was asked to begin condemning radiators. That day during our lunch break we both decided that this would be an immoral act, and we jointly informed our boss about our decision not to be cooperative participants in this matter. Needless to say, we were immediately jointly fired on the spot. The boss Jerry W., must have had an inclination that we would refuse to do this because our pay had been calculated and ready as he sent us on our way. Wondering how we were going to share this great information with our spouses, we decided to get some liquid courage and proceeded to the local bar for a few beers. Once we thought we were comfortable enough to share this information with our wives, we began walking home and parted company with the plan to meet the following day. You see, as we consuming the beers we had come to the conclusion that we would attempt to start our own enterprise, albeit we had no financial backing. When I arrived home and informed my wife, she began to cry and thinking aloud wondered about how the children were going to react on Christmas day without gifts scattered under the tree. We were never big spenders for Christmas, but we did make a point to have some gifts for the children under the tree. I remember thinking to myself, if nothing else the Nativity would be there, and I could embellish the poverty aspect concerning the birth of Jesus.

The following day Gus and I met and decided the best place to start gleaning objects and tools for our business, would be the junk yard. We thought that we might be able to find things that were considerably less costly than purchasing them new. Funny as it may seem, we found nearly everything we needed to start a radiator shop, excluding a location and a truck. We placed all the items to the side and asked the owner of the yard, if he could hold them till we returned with the money. Surprisingly, he offered to donate all the items in exchange for repairing some radiators for him, whenever we were able to officially become a functioning business. By this time my wife had informed her mother about what happened at work, and she volunteered to lend Gus and me $3,000.00 dollars to purchase a truck and rent a building. We also encountered a Jewish man who allowed us to use his facility for free until we found a place to open our newly formed business. We found a truck for $600.00 dollars, and within a few weeks moved out of our temporary location into a permanent building for the business. Things happened quickly, and the word began to spread throughout the area, that the two honest repair men started their own business. Before we knew what happened, we had nearly all of our former boss's customers, which nearly caused him to go out of business. Shortly after this, our former employer had to hire an outside salesman to obtain new customers to replace the ones he lost to us. Approximately one year later, I signed a contract over a cup of coffee purchasing his entire radiator business. Gus and I never planned on this; we just wanted to earn an honest living. Christmas day didn't turn out too bad either. The Third Order Fraternity where I began my candidacy program made a special collection amongst its membership, and provided me with $300.00 dollars to purchase gifts for my wife and children.

The same group of third Order Franciscans--whose professed membership never exceeded 12-14 in number--was small but active. We were also fortunate enough to have assigned to us, an excellent spiritual assistant--Fr. Robert Gavin, OFM--from the Order of Friar's Minor. One evening while attending a home Mass at one of the member's apartment house, I experienced my first spiritual encounter with Our Lord Jesus Christ. The apartment was on the 5^th floor of an older multi-residential house that was constructed prior to the installation of elevators; commonly referred to in New York City as a "five-story walk-up." The group of participants consisted of approximately 18 to 20 fraternity members--professed, candidates, and inquirers--not including Father Robert Gavin, OFM, the presider. The apartment was small, but accommodating. Because of this, we remained seated during the celebration and passed the plate and chalice, rather than forming a line during the communion segment of the Mass. I was seated to the immediate left of the makeshift altar, which meant that I was the last to receive communion, and seated to my left, was my wife. Once I finished consuming what remained on the plate and in the chalice, the Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I passed them to Fr. Robert for purification, and lowered my head in meditation just as I have always done throughout my life.

Even today, I vividly remember all that occurred as if it happened yesterday. While in meditation, I thought about my present surroundings and the great group of people that God helped me to meet. It was during this time when suddenly my thoughts were interrupted and overtaken by a strong sensation of another's presence. The Lord began to reveal Himself to me; it was as if for a moment, we became one spirit. The experience felt as if it took forever, yet in reality it was just a matter of seconds. The sensation was that of an: all powerful-, all knowledgeable-, all forgiving-, all understanding-, all loving-, nothing is impossible to Eternal God. As this happened, my immediate thoughts were to return the feeling of love as I began to spiritually embrace the Divine Jesus Christ revealing Himself in the Eucharist through the Holy Spirit. I would discover years later, that I was describing some of the attributes of God the Father. Jesus Christ was most certainly risen from the dead, as a matter of fact He and the Father are one, and somehow They manage to share Their Holy Spirit to the entire world and the people in it. Contrary to the Church's teaching, I believe that the depth of all relationships with God occurs through the workings of the Oikonomia of God and the free-will of the individual. God makes Himself available for in-depth relationships with all, but it's the individual who sets the level of this relationship through the workings of his/her free-will. The Immanent Trinity is Eumonius, Homoousios, Hypostasis, and shares Ousia at different levels with all of creation. Over time, as I reflected upon what happened, the words of St. Peter continually resonate in my mind whenever I think about the length of time it took for this event to unfold. He remarked: "...that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like one day" (2 Peter; 3:8).

I wanted this event to last forever--clasped in a mutual loving Spiritual Embrace with the Lord--but it didn't. Once the Lord stopped revealing His Spirit to me, I reopened my eyes assuming that this was a group event, and asked my wife how it was for her. Instead of a confirmation and description of the event, I saw a look of confusion in her eyes. She began to state, that she hadn't experienced anything out of the ordinary. At this point, my belief that this event was a shared experience, began to diminish. I didn't stop there; I continued to make inquiries amongst the group just in case the event had been shared by a select few. You know, similar to the way a tornado touches down, without a pattern. Slowly, as the number of denials increased, I began to understand that the event was an isolated incident. Regardless, I cautiously continued to selectively ask other members, until all were questioned. Once confirmed, this event would mark the beginning of a long an arduous journey marked by encounters with people from other faiths. The search turned into an emotional/ spiritual/ psychological roller-coaster ride that primarily depended upon the type and quality of information gleaned during the process.

Fearing that asking too many questions of my fellow Franciscans might cause them to begin perceiving me as some sort of a religious fanatic, I ceased all inquires and began to participate in the party which followed the Mass. Overwhelmed, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, I resorted to numbing this experience with alcohol, but not to the point of intoxication because I wanted to soberly discern what had happened in private once I returned home. Arriving home, my wife went upstairs to bed, the children were already asleep through the efforts of the babysitter, and I remained downstairs in the living room ruminating over what had taken place. I began thinking about the future, and remembered reading about the lives of others who had written about similar encounters with angles, the Blessed Virgin Mary, Jesus, and assorted saints, and how suddenly their lives drastically changed. In nearly every instance, their lives moved into unforeseen, unintentional, and sometimes unchartered territories. They became famous for founding religious orders, or for providing social services for those in need. My relationship with Jesus had taken a new unperceived dimension and I began wondering about the direction. Over the years, the only urge I struggle with is to preach the Gospel, forgive the sinners, provide the Eucharistic Christ to His faithful, and help the Church in Her hour of need. My family of choice continued to expand and increased my responsibilities as husband and parent; a condition natural to this process. Initially, I believed that Jesus was asking me to abandon everything I held dear, to preach the Good News. I sincerely thought, that I was being asked to make the ultimate sacrifice and prove the depth of my love and commitment to Him. Whenever I decided to read scripture for the day, certain readings seemed to stand out of the chapters and jump off the pages. These readings would resonate in my mind throughout the day, and they all contained the same motif, the abandoning of all that one loves in exchange for dedicating his/her life to the service of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. People who had developed close relationships with God, never had it easy. For me, this event as wonderful and harmless as it initially appeared, was truly becoming the proverbial two-edged sword. It had evolved into an emotional, psychological, spiritual, and a physical roller coaster ride that vacillated to the extremes of euphoria to depression. Professionally speaking, if the causation derived from within the organism, a person experiencing this problem would be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But because the problem was created from a source from outside the organism, this diagnosis would not apply and considered situational based upon circumstances.

Ever since the event, from time-to-time I still muse over what happened, and have long committed myself to discovering a plausible answer to why it happened. I moved away from New York, abandoning lifelong friendships, my Third Order Fraternity, fellow parishioners, and business associates. And once relocated, abstained from participating in all types of Church activities. I believed that by doing this, the desire to enter a deeper relationship with the Lord would vanish, allowing me to return to my primary responsibilities of being a husband to my wife and father to my children. I deliberately place my spiritual relationship with God on hold. I became over-involved with work which financially benefited my entire family. The down side was, that I began to drink on a daily basis to deliberately numb my spiritual relationship with God, and as I did, I compromised my understanding of sin. Simultaneously and by happenstance, I began encountering an assortment of semi-practicing religious individuals inclusive of priests, ministers, rabbis, and lay people of assorted faiths. Many interesting and enduring friendships developed during this period of my life. Strange enough, I was able to speak candidly and confidentially with most of these people about my esoteric experience. Some of the conversations helped to chip away many of the issues which blocked a better understanding of what had taken place. A Protestant minister informed me that I had experienced a Manifestation of the Spirit of God, and suggested some reading material that would clearly define this process. I also remember on one occasion when I began describing the sensation of the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, etc. God to a Rabbi (Jeffery Ballon), and his reply: "You're describing the qualities of God that are defined in the book of Deuteronomy." Upon hearing this remark, I knew he was correct, and remembered that day thinking to myself: "Why didn't I make this simple connection?" After all, I read the bible on several occasions and was fully aware of this description, but strangely I never connected the dots. The interesting thing about Jeff, was that he enjoyed the same love for the Christmas tide as most Christians, and able to sing ALL the Christmas songs without the assistance of sheet music. He had them all committed to memory including the harmony. As I continued to seek answers by sharing a description of the experience with members of assorted clergy, some were extremely helpful while others never supplying me with any additional information that would assist me on the journey. All worshipers are aware that whenever one abandons a relationship with God; God remains faithful and committed. He allows us to exercise our free-will, and abandon Him, but He continues to wait patiently for our return.

Eventually, I discovered a passage in scripture that I believe halfway answered my "WHY" question. This was John 14:21. Albeit I personally believed, and still do, that I am a sinner and have never experienced a full conversion or rebirth, this reading made sense to me. I was being the best that I could be, but not yet perfect, and like St. Paul committed to the race. It was the only straightforward scripture reading attributed to Jesus that was accompanied by an explanation of why the manifestation of the Spirit would occur. When I first discovered this reading, I began thinking to myself, that I had abandoned a calling. A calling to the priesthood, and the celibate lifestyle. But every inquiry made with the various religious professionals, resulted in a disagreement. They proposed, that God has always been and continues to be a covenant-God. And that He wouldn't ask me to neglect my first covenant with my wife, or the responsibilities of fatherhood. I remember revisiting the scriptural account of the rich young man who asked Jesus what more he needed to do to guarantee eternal life. Jesus suggested, that the young man sell everything, give the proceeds to the poor, abandon all his relationships with family and friends, and once accomplished, to come and follow Him. In other words, abandon everything you cherish and dedicate your life to living and preaching the Gospel. In this sense we mimic Christ, who stopped living for Himself and died for others. He abandoned all that He cherished for the sake of others. It took awhile for this desire to diminish, and even till today I'm occasionally tormented by its message and meaning.

Tired of numbing my life with alcohol, I began to seek out a spiritual advisor and found a Third Order Regular priest located in Sarasota, Florida. Just as we began working together, he relocated to New Mexico leaving me with a final instruction: return to school. He suggested that I return to school so I could better understand and explain what happened. Up to that point, I had my high school diploma, and successfully completed one college economics course when residing in New York. I entered into a newly formed program at The Edmund Rice School of Pastoral Ministry, and concurrently signed up to attend a satellite campus for Florida Southern College located in Arcadia, Florida. I graduated from both schools, receiving a diploma in Pastoral Theology from Rice, and a bachelors from Florida Southern. I continued my education by entering the University of Sarasota and obtaining a Master's degree in mental health counseling. Licensed, Nationally Certified, Honor Role member of CHI SIGMA IOTA, I continued with the educational plan, and was accepted into a counseling psychology educational doctorate degree program (Ed.D) at Argosy University. I have completed all the required courses, and once I pass the comprehensive examination and complete the dissertation defense, I will receive and have earned the title of doctor. Ironically, with all this education behind me, I remain standing here without further instructions for the stage in my spiritual development. At one point, I resided in the San Antonio Parish, and eventually sought out the advice of my pastor Fr. Thomas Zeider. I hoped that he would be able to provide a continuum of spiritual guidance through the remainder of my journey.

I remember making the appointment to visit with him following an 8:00 A.M. mass. He was serving and I was one of the individuals in attendance. I remember feeling the Spirit of God move within me, as he elevated the consecrated Host reciting: "Through Him, with Him, and in Him...". Following the Mass we immediately went into his office. He asked how he could be of service and I proceeded to share what had occurred years back, and how my spiritual advisor had moved out west somewhere. He revealed to me that he too has experienced spiritual happenings during his lifetime, and that he too experienced a similar event this AM during Mass. He went on to say that it happened as he elevated the consecrated Host and recited: @Through Him, with Him, and in Him...@. I never shared with him that I also knew this happened and when. Aside from being a good listener, he provided no guidance to what I should do with my life in light of this event, and I can't say that I hold him accountable for anything more because prior to this meeting we had never communicated before. I also felt that I was being too intrusive and decided not to inconvenience him any further, so I stopped making appointments with him.

Returning to my ongoing dilemma, as the years past I concluded that the event was a Trinitarian experience, but little did I know. This mystical-spiritual event occurred following the reception of the Eucharistic Jesus Christ, and through the power of the Holy Spirit. The Divine Eucharistic Jesus Christ revealed His Father through the power of Their Holy Spirit--my initial understanding of the Trinitarian Experience. It would be nearly 33-years later on May 1, 2005, that I would experience and discover another dimension to the mystery of the Trinity: the human Jesus. My wife and I were standing for the Gospel reading in church at the 9:00 A.M. Mass, when the familiar words of John 14:21 were spoken as the reading for the day. We looked at each other as we listened to the words. My wife remembered the anguish that I had suffered throughout the years, and I could see on her face that all to familiar look of: here we go again. On our journey home we revisited an old and familiar conversation. As we discussed the reading, we had no idea of what we would experience later that day. We just agreed about how interesting it was that this reading, of all the readings, should be the reading of the day. And how unusual it was that May 1^st , generally accepted amongst RC's as the month of Mary, had arrived on a Sunday. Prior to the consecration, I remember commenting to her about how Jesus revealed His Father through the Eucharist years ago, and wondered if this event would recur again today. Sort of an anniversary celebration. How was I to know that instead, today would be the day when He would choose to reveal the human side of His nature--His Mom. The reception of the Eucharist occurred without the overt physical/psychological mystical spiritual experience. I had already planned the day, and promised the landlord earlier in the week, that I would change the hurricane damaged carport entry door. The doorway entered into the kitchen area next to the refrigerator. The combined door and frame were delivered earlier during the week, and ready for hanging. Sunday seemed to be the day of choice considering it would be a day with the least amount of traffic through the door. Almost any day is a high traffic day at our house with children and grandchildren paying expected and unexpected visits.

I temporarily hung the new door in the entrance of the house in an effort to stop bugs from freely flying into the home. As the day went on, the temperature began to rise and between the perspiration, the bugs, and the dust from the door removal process, I was beginning to have my doubts about my carpentry skills. In the process, I managed to adorn myself with an assortment of soot, so I grabbed the nearby garden hose to wash my face and arms. As I did this I heard the voice of someone asking if I could spare something to drink. It was a conversation that began something like: "I've been walking all day, and have come a long distance; it's hot and I thirst. Would you have something for me to drink?" With that I looked up and noticed a young man--approximately 33-34 years of age--walking up our driveway. He adorned a well-kept beard and was approximately 6'1" tall. Black hair, blue eyes, a neatly trimmed Amish-style beard, slim but muscular, blue-jean shorts, sneakers, and a gray sweatshirt. In retrospect, I believe the form of attire and physical appearance was more for my benefit, rather than how He may normally appear. I believe that Jesus and Mary have the ability to adjust their appearances to the local custom and culture, so They can easily blend in with the people they are visiting. As He was speaking, I completed washing myself. As I finished, I began to mentally process His request. I was uncertain whether we had water or ice in the frig, and I knew we had one or the other that was cold, but not both. Earlier in the day, Noreen went to the store and purchased some bottled water, and I was thinking to myself, that it wasn't cold yet. I thought about this aloud while walking to the fridge, and mentioned to Him that I would check to see what we had. Once I finished with the hose and entered the house, my wife was standing in the kitchen with a surprised and apprehensive look on her face. I had been in the house just seconds before the stranger appeared, and she was sitting comfortably on the living room couch reading the Newspaper. Her standing in the kitchen was unusual, and added to the thoughts that were beginning to develop in my mind concerning the familiarity of the words spoken by the stranger. The selection of words, the beard, and the age of the stranger started a thought process that was suddenly halfway confirmed by my wife's reply.

I gave her an extended glance, and began reaching for the fridge door when she approached me and softly said: "Ed, that's Jesus asking for a drink." The initial confusion surrounding her sudden presence in the kitchen, and her remark began the psychological confirmation process concerning the stranger's identity. As I knelt down, and looked into the frig for something to drink that would be wet and cold, I deliberately began to ignore what my wife said and I began to sense. I remember thinking to myself, this couldn’t be nor would be Jesus Christ, and if this were the case, how strange that it would happen like this. An everyday type experience; no Hollywood type experience. As I knelt in front of the frig, she moved herself to my side and I looked up asking her why would she say something like that, and she replied: "It's the words; the words are His, and the way He spoke them." As she was answering me, I spotted a bottle of Green Ice Tea in the fridge, stood up, and shouted out over the frig door: "Is Ice Tea OK?" I could see His outline through the small window of the door, which still had the shipping paper over it, as He responded. I could see His arms extend into the air and return to His side as He replied in a boisterous manner: "Yeaaa, that's OK." With that I kneeled back down in front of the fridge, and grabbed the bottle of tea. As I walked through the arch of the door, I noticed that He was no longer standing on my left toward the front of the carport where I left Him when I entered. Instead He moved to my right nearer to the garden hose at the back of the carport.

In His place on my left as I exited the door was a woman about 15-16-years. His elder; She approached me with Her hands extended. I immediately mentioned my surprise about the presence of another person, and commented something about having to share the drink. With that the Lady slowly moved Her head in a yes type motion while saying: "Thank you." She stood about 5' 7", had golden-blond hair to Her shoulders, blue eyes, also dressed casual in blue jeans and a light blue T-shirt, and a peaceful and content countenance about Her. We remained locked in eye contact as I spoke and She replied, and the only time She glanced away was when the young-man motioned to Her behind my back. Once She received the bottle of ice tea, they joined together and began walking down the driveway returning to the main road. As they reached the roadway, they turned toward the Pulaski and Liaka corner. Words were spoken, and for the life of me I can't remember them. I was caught up in the Women's unusual beauty and serenity.

As I look back, it disturbs me that I didn't provide an additional drink, and in retrospect blame it on not realizing that there was a second person, and a second bottle. Later that day, I figured several facts out concerning what and why some things happened the way they did. The first fact being, the cars in our driveway blocked any clear view of the road that would have permitted me to see a second person when He was asking for the drink. Secondly, His conversation and request were grammatically singular. Because of this, I was surprised about the presence of a second person, and didn't think to look for two drinks in the fridge. As they walked away, I returned to the fridge to see if there was a second drink. Sure enough upon looking in the fridge, there was a second Ice Tea. I returned to the road to see where they were, and noticed as they walked He was pointing in various directions and speaking to the Lady. She appeared to be enjoying His company and His statements; I say this because She continually smiled at Him. After seeing this, I though I had time enough to return to the fridge and get the other bottle. I did, but by the time I returned to the roadway, They had disappeared in the middle of the street and never made the corner.

When I returned to the house I asked my wife what she had seen and experienced, all she could say is that she heard the voices, and observed Their backs as They walked off the property. We began to analyze what happened and came to the following conclusions. First, the reading for the day which came to symbolize an answer for what happened to me nearly 30+ years ago, which I believed to be a Trinitarian experience, in reality was a manifestation of the Divine Eucharistic Jesus. A manifestation through the power of the Holy Spirit; Jesus revealed His Father through the Holy Spirit. (One could write a book just on that experience alone: Consent from the Father precedes the manifestation of the Spirit by the Divine Christ, etc.) While on May 1, 2005 the fully human Jesus revealed His biological/physical parent--His Mother: The Blessed Virgin Mary (In keeping with Her prophesy, all generations shall call Me Blessed)--and His human nature. Secondly, I was engaged in carpentry work, the same type of work Jesus involved Himself with, prior to His ministry. Perhaps He thought I could use some pointers. Third, Mary has a reputation for visiting with people, Jesus didn't have much of a choice when Mary decided to make Her first visit, He was being carried in Her womb, and She is not a person of many words. Her pleasant smile and "thank you" upon reaching for the ice tea fits Her character. Fourth, is the reason why Mary had to reach for the ice tea instead of Jesus? If He reached for the tea, I would have looked at His hands and noticed the scars from the crucifixion revealing His identity, which would have led to an entirely different type of visit. One full of questions and requests, inclusive of an invitation to stay for dinner.

Fifth, there was His attitude and demeanor. The Divine Jesus revealed Himself bearing the same attributes as His Father: All powerful, all knowing, all forgiving, all understanding, all loving, eternal, omnipresent, and nothing is impossible to, God; while Jesus the Human walked the earth: uninhibited, fearless, with a sense of ownership. It was as if, all He looked upon belonged to Him. As He walked away from our home He had His arms and hands pointing in different directions, perhaps He was talking about the changes that He planned to make. It's apparent that Jesus enjoys walking, years past it was the only cheap form of transportation, and according to the scriptures He enjoyed visiting the nearby towns. He surely didn’t need to be walking any great amount of distance to visit with us. I suppose He just enjoys walking, and for a man of 2000+-years of age, He looked appeared to be in good physical condition. He seems to be the type of person that would readily jump in and help anyone accomplish their endeavors. A brief mental status would have looked something like: Appearance-well groomed, mood-euthymic, affect-appropriate, judgment-unlimited, insight-beyond measurement, attitude-cooperative and friendly, speech-normally responsive and occasionally garrulous, orientation-fully oriented, motor activity-relaxed and calm, intelligence level-high, and emotionally stable.

Needless to say, this visit rekindled the Divine Fire that was initiated years ago. It caused me to immediately seek out feedback from those individuals who I believed to be grounded and not religious fanatics. Once more, I can't help but to return to the big question: Why? Why did this happen? One individual stated, it might be happening regularly to many people, but they're not open to this type of an encounter, and therefore may have totally ignored it when it occurred. Another, looked on in total amazement with a blank stare without providing any comment at all; while a third said, that this was a calling of some sort, and I needed to pray over it for further enlightenment. Whenever I pray mentally challenging the visit's authenticity, my heart begins to fill-up with the love of God--a familiar physical, emotional, psychological experience that I've experienced and have grown accustomed to, many times in the past--I continually receive signs that can only come from the Lord. In any case, the visit has had an impact on my life. I view all encounters with others as special times now, and attempt to see the Christ in everyone. Not that I haven't been doing this before, but I've become more sensitive to this challenge. Attempting to see Christ in all regardless of their shortcomings, has and will always, be challenging to me. Currently, I find myself engaging in short conversations with those encountered strangers on the street, where in the past it would have been a nod or a brief comment in passing. Encounters now include inquires. Asking people their names, and allowing them to speak about whatever appears to be concerning them at that moment. In a matter of seconds, I know who they are, and all they wish to reveal about themselves. No one goes unnoticed in my life any longer, everyone has a name and a purpose in life.

Digressing to the first event in light of the second: It took years to minimize the impact of the first event. I perceived this as a calling of sorts, and wondered why God would choose to call me into this relationship at that stage of my life. Why not call me prior to my marriage? Looking back on the lives of those people who had experienced encounters with the Divine, excluding the first Apostles, they led celibate lives, entered a religious monastery, or began preaching the Gospel in some foreign country. They certainly weren’t married and helping to raise 6-children. I perceive the first encounter as a call to abandon my married life and enter into the religious life. Similar to the instructions given to the rich young man in the scriptures, who asked Jesus what more could he do considering he was already obeying the commandments and giving to the poor (Matt., 19:16-30; Mark, 10:17-31; Luke, 18:18-30). When Jesus told him to sell everything, give the proceeds to the poor, abandon all relationships, and follow him, it was noted that the man sadly walked away. I sadly sit and write this account. Heartbroken and in tears; yearning for my God. It was a heavy requirement for the rich young man, and too much for him to consider. I'm ready and willing to go. My wife and I have discussed this, and trust that God would care for her in my absence. How strange, that the only thing preventing this from happening is the Church that Christ founded. This is the dilemma, sadness, and cross that I'm burdened with for a number of years since the first event. Feeling unworthy. Unable to walk away from all those I love for a deeper relationship with the Divine. "If you leave your mother, father, brother, sister, wife, children for the Kingdom of Heaven, I will give you hundreds of more mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, wives, and children" (Matt.: 20:29). Running away from this call involved a relocation to Florida from New York City, abandoning all church activities, and finding new friends who buried their sorrows with alcohol. But even during this time, God provided me with friends who were priests, rabbis, and ministers: people struggling through life while attempting to practice their faith.

Through the efforts of the clergy, I began to understand that my special relationship with Jesus was not a calling to the religious life, priesthood or service to the Church. My calling behind me, my wife and me began planning the future for our retirement years. We spoke about relocating to another area in the US where we could afford retirement, and possibly set up a small private practice to supplement the small amount of income from Social Security. I will most likely have to teach until I die to survive, but I wouldn't mind this. This second event occurred, and once again I'm tormented by this perceived calling. Trying to support my wife and myself has become nearly impossible. All doors for employment have been closed. Attempting to start a private practice has become one of the most difficult struggles I've ever endured, considering in the past I have started several successful businesses. Currently, I feel as if I'm locked into a battle against God, and ironically all the jobs available are thousands of miles away. Considering my financial problems, they might as well be nonexistent. Someone mentioned entering the Diaconate program, but there doesn't appear to be a parish willing to accept or support a candidate. Strangely, all the people that I have asked for help, are not cognizant to the fact that they too share the same burden of responsibility, and will be held to the same level of accountable to the Lord as myself. Apparently, there's no room at the Church's inn for an individual like myself. I feel honored to be included into the company of the first Apostles by Jesus Christ for He has allowed me to be a witness to His resurrection while introducing me to His Father and Mother. I have also managed to follow in His footsteps by being rejected by the established Church of our times. What's wrong with the Church? Why is a calling denied? How could a modern-day Apostles be expected to answer their calls to serve, for I believe there are others who have also been called in similar fashions? I feel like the man who buried his master's money, and continually haunted by the caveats contained in several scriptural readings, which warns those individuals who have been given much, because much will be expected.

I believe there is a place for me in today's Church. Strangely enough, God has created a desire in me to help the Church. She has and will continue to suffer because of Her humanness. Jesus promised that the Church would prevail, but this promise doesn’t negate us from our responsibilities as members. All the faithful are responsible for correcting past, current, and future problems. As Orthopraxis members, we're not to turn from acknowledging Her imperfections, rather we are required to help ameliorate these imperfections and bring about change to ensure Her continuing existence for future generations. We can no longer deny the lack of vocations, and point the blame to a particular segment of society. Blame doesn’t resolve the problem, instead it destroys community. The decline in vocations prevents the Church from providing the faithful with the Sacraments. In certain parts of the modern world, daily Mass and confessions are not available. Jesus's promise is an ongoing directive to all the members of the Church, including Her leaders; ALL will be held accountable.

In conclusion, as I continue to contemplate these events, I feel thankful but fearful. I feel that I’m not doing enough and uncertain about what to do. I’ve been instructed to pray over this asking for more guidance; I have without answer. I feel compelled to preach about Jesus, but there is no venue available. Every once in a while, I encounter someone to share these events with in hope to increase their faith, but this is sometimes met with jealousy. All the clergy members that I have shared these accounts with have nothing additional to suggest. I continue to seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in this matter, but somehow feel abandoned.