I'd like to talk some more about Spiritual Friendships, (see my previous short essay on this subject here) because it is an interesting subject that is multi-faceted like a precious stone. Spiritual friendships can make us holy. These relationships often help us to seek a direction hitherto unexplored. Spiritual Friendships are those that cover deep relationships and yet these friendships aren't in any way social friendships. Case in point. For several years now I have been writing weekly to a lady, covering many subjects, most of them of spiritual nature, but I do not consider her a social friendship. She's happily married so in that sense there is no necessity for a close friendship. Spiritual friendships are quite unique. In the other article I called us "soulmates." That explains it rather well. She is definitely a prayer partner, she prays for me and my intentions, and I do the same for her. And I do so every day. Spiritual friendships are "faith-sharing friendships." Spiritual friendships can exist between groups of people as well. For example, a study group or a prayer group where everyone is close to one another. The key is really "Spiritual Direction." Many priests will tell us that unless we are in some way very experienced, or professional, most people have no business assuming that they can give Spiritual Direction, yet we all do so to some degree.

In the East, there are people who are very fine spiritual directors, and in western cultures nuns and priests have been spiritual directors. But lay people sometimes have to assume those roles. There are lay people who are leaders of prayer groups, people who act as the shoulders of the world people lean on, and they are suddenly expected to have the wisdom of Solomon. This is especially evident when one wears a habit, a religious mode of dress. For 5 years, I wore religious habits. Aside from the fact that the general public looks at you as if you have lost your mind, interesting questions are posed in completely inappropriate circumstances. My erstwhile superior always joked around about that person who walks up to him in a crowded airport terminal and asks the priest or monk to explain the meaning of life. There is no way this question can be intelligently answered in five minutes. The location is all wrong, too! And yet, the soul asking the question can be in dire need to know the answer.

When people ask questions, any questions, spiritual or otherwise, I give it my best shot and hope that I give them the correct answer. When I do not know the answer, I will say so. Most of the time, I will say a spot prayer and hope the Holy Spirit will give me a ready answer. Spiritual friendships are friendships that are neither sudden nor accidental. In the case of the lady I write to, I remembered her from meeting her and her husband when I was in religious life, and for several weeks I felt an urging to write to her, that I could not possibly explain. It was not a physical attraction because I could barely remember what she looked like. It appeared, after a while, that there was a need on her part to share, and if Our Lord placed me in her path to do that, we can assume this to be a "spiritual friendship." I've had these friendships before, this is not the first time, and many people have these relationships.

I would not characterise myself as a spiritual "director" - the word "director" spells out dominance, and that's not a posture I want to assume in this friendship. I prefer an equal, and an informal sharing without pressure on either parties. These type of relationships have existed between saints, a good case in point is the Franciscan friar, St. Peter of Alcantara, who was the spiritual director of St. Teresa of Avila. There are many more examples like that. St. Francis de Sales, for example, believed that a director should have charity, learning and prudence or "tact" - a word sadly missing with some people in this Century. Not all priests and religious were comfortable in a spiritual director role either.

Spiritual friends can help us find spiritual directors by sharing ideas. These spiritual friends have a more informal relationship to us as spiritual directors have, so they can encourage one another without pressure or even urgent need. "Great spiritual teachers declare that self-knowledge is the foundation of contemplative life and love, no matter what our ministry or particular vocation." (p. 72 in "The Key to Spiritual Growth" John W. Crossin, OSFS. 1997 Paulist Press).

Spiritual friends can help the other person in times of crisis to steer the person possibly into a new direction, or encourage discussion. When we experience a crisis, we tend to shut up, to internalize a problem - but when the problem is carefully and lovingly discussed, there often is a spiritual solution. God helps us in the same way, as long as we take the time to listen to Him.

Another time when having a spiritual friend is useful is when we are at a loss for prayer or direction. Most of us have great periods of spiritual dryness. I know I do. That's when all attempts at writing comes to a halt and I feel thoroughly disjointed. That's when a good friend can ease the way to get back into the harness so to speak.

A person who can bring joy to others is a spiritually healthy person. Joy is God's gift to us. It is not pleasure but it is a deep inner feeling of being blessed. Deep inner contentment is the type of joy I speak of. People who suffer can still be joyful. That is an extremely important fact. I have known people who were very, very sick, but they always had a smile on their faces. They were happy to offer that suffering up for the sake of other people. Joy is a result of following Jesus Christ, and embracing both the Cross and the Resurrection. I really want to be with the Lord into eternity, and I want to cause as many people to be with me, as possible. That is the reason for this website and for having spiritual friendships with other people.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Fred Schaeffer, SFO
January 18, 2010