St. Augustine Confessions Book 2 Book 3
2.1.1
I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions
of my soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my
God. For love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in
the very bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet
unto me (Thou sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness);
and gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was torn
piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among
a multiplicity of things. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore,
to be satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with
these various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank
in Thine eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes
of men.
2.2.2
And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved?
but I kept not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's
bright boundary: but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh,
and the bubblings of youth, mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast
my heart, that I could not discern the clear brightness of love from
the fog of lustfulness. Both did confusedly boil in me, and hurried
my unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me
in a gulf of flagitiousnesses. Thy wrath had gathered over me, and
I knew it not. I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my
mortality, the punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further
from Thee, and Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and
wasted, and dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and
Thou heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then heldest Thy
peace, and I wandered further and further from Thee, into more and
more fruitless seed-plots of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and
a restless weariness.
2.2.3
Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned
to account the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy
creation! had put a bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides
of my youth might have cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if
they could not be calmed, and kept within the object of a family,
as Thy law prescribes, O Lord: who this way formest the offspring
of this our death, being able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns
which were excluded from Thy paradise? For Thy omnipotency is not
far from us, even when we be far from Thee. Else ought I more watchfully
to have heeded the voice from the clouds: Nevertheless such shall
have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you. And it is good for a man
not to touch a woman. And, he that is unmarried thinketh of the things
of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but he that is married careth
for the things of this world, how he may please his wife.
To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being
severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited
Thy embraces;
2.2.4
but I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the rushing
of my own tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet I
escaped not Thy scourges. For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever
with me mercifully rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy
all my unlawful pleasures: that I might seek pleasures without alloy.
But where to find such, I could not discover, save in Thee, O Lord,
who teachest by sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and killest us,
lest we die from Thee. Where was I, and how far was I exiled from
the delights of Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my
flesh, when the madness of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth
free licence, though unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me,
and I resigned myself wholly to it? My friends meanwhile took no care
by marriage to save my fall; their only care was that I should learn
to speak excellently, and be a persuasive orator.
2.3.5
For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return
from Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar
and rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were
being provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the
means of my father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste. To whom
tell I this? not to Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind,
even to that small portion of mankind as may light upon these writings
of mine. And to what purpose? that whosoever reads this, may think
out of what depths we are to cry unto Thee. For what is nearer to
Thine ears than a confessing heart, and a life of faith? Who did not
extol my father, for that beyond the ability of his means, he would
furnish his son with all necessaries for a far journey for his studies'
sake? For many far abler citizens did no such thing for their children.
But yet this same father had no concern how I grew towards Thee, or
how chaste I were; so that I were but copious in speech, however barren
I were to Thy culture, O God, who art the only true and good Lord
of Thy field, my heart.
2.3.6
But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents,
leaving all school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed
through the narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean
desires grew rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them
out. When that my father saw me at the baths, now growing towards
manhood, and endued with a restless youthfulness, he, as already hence
anticipating his descendants, gladly told it to my mother; rejoicing
in that tumult of the senses wherein the world forgetteth Thee its
Creator, and becometh enamoured of Thy creature, instead of Thyself,
through the fumes of that invisible wine of its self-will, turning
aside and bowing down to the very basest things. But in my mother's
breast Thou hadst already begun Thy temple, and the foundation of
Thy holy habitation, whereas my father was as yet but a Catechumen,
and that but recently. She then was startled with a holy fear and
trembling; and though I was not as yet baptised, feared for me those
crooked ways in which they walk who turn their back to Thee, and not
their face.
2.3.7
Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God,
while I wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy
peace to me? And whose but Thine were these words which by my mother,
Thy faithful one, Thou sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into
my heart, so as to do it. For she wished, and I remember in private
with great anxiety warned me, "not to commit fornication; but especially
never to defile another man's wife." These seemed to me womanish advices,
which I should blush to obey. But they were Thine, and I knew it not:
and I thought Thou wert silent and that it was she who spake; by whom
Thou wert not silent unto me; and in her wast despised by me, her
son, the son of Thy handmaid, Thy servant. But I knew it not; and
ran headlong with such blindness, that amongst my equals I was ashamed
of a less shamelessness, when I heard them boast of their flagitiousness,
yea, and the more boasting, the more they were degraded: and I took
pleasure, not only in the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise.
What is worthy of dispraise but vice? But I made myself worse than
I was, that I might not be dispraised; and when in any thing I had
not sinned as the abandoned ones, I would say that I had done what
I had not done, that I might not seem contemptible in proportion as
I was innocent; or of less account, the more chaste.
2.3.8
Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon,
and wallowed in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious
ointments. And that I might cleave the faster to its very centre,
the invisible enemy trod me down, and seduced me, for that I was easy
to be seduced. Neither did the mother of my flesh (who had now fled
out of the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof
as she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had heard of me from
her husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection
(if it could not be pared away to the quick) what she felt to be pestilent
at present and for the future dangerous. She heeded not this, for
she feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes.
Not those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in Thee;
but the hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous
I should attain; my father, because he had next to no thought of Thee,
and of me but vain conceits; my mother, because she accounted that
those usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but
even some furtherance towards attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture,
recalling, as well as I may, the disposition of my parents. The reins,
meantime, were slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity,
to spend my time in sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever
I affected. And in all was a mist, intercepting from me, O my God,
the brightness of Thy truth; and mine iniquity burst out as from very
fatness.
2.4.9
Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in
the hearts of men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief
will abide a thief? not even a rich thief, one stealing through want.
Yet I lusted to thieve, and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty,
but through a cloyedness of well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity.
For I stole that, of which I had enough, and much better. Nor cared
I to enjoy what I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin itself. A
pear tree there was near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting
neither for colour nor taste. To shake and rob this, some lewd young
fellows of us went, late one night (having according to our pestilent
custom prolonged our sports in the streets till then), and took huge
loads, not for our eating, but to fling to the very hogs, having only
tasted them. And this, but to do what we liked only, because it was
misliked. Behold my heart, O God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst
pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my
heart tell Thee what it sought there, that I should be gratuitously
evil, having no temptation to ill, but the ill itself. It was foul,
and I loved it; I loved to perish, I loved mine own fault, not that
for which I was faulty, but my fault itself. Foul soul, falling from
Thy firmament to utter destruction; not seeking aught through the
shame, but the shame itself!
2.5.10
For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and
silver, and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence,
and each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Wordly
honour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery;
whence springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all
these, we may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law.
The life also which here we live hath its own enchantment, through
a certain proportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things
beautiful here below. Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet
tie, by reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of
all these, and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate
inclination towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and
higher are forsaken,- Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law.
For these lower things have their delights, but not like my God, who
made all things; for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is
the joy of the upright in heart.
2.5.11
When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless
it appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some
of those which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For
they are beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher
and beatific goods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another;
why? he loved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood;
or feared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire
to be revenged. Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply
in murdering? who would believe it? for as for that furious and savage
man, of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet
is the cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or
heart should grow inactive." And to what end? that, through that practice
of guilt, he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire,
riches, and be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments
from domestic needs, and consciousness of villainies. So then, not
even Catiline himself loved his own villainies, but something else,
for whose sake he did them.
2.6.12
What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine,
thou deed of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou
wert not, because thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus
I speak to thee? Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy
creation, Thou fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God,
the sovereign good and my true good. Fair were those pears, but not
them did my wretched soul desire; for I had store of better, and those
I gathered, only that I might steal. For, when gathered, I flung them
away, my only feast therein being my own sin, which I was pleased
to enjoy. For if aught of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened
it was the sin. And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft
delighted me; and behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness
as in justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and
senses, and animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious
and beautiful in their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo--
life, replacing by its birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that
false and shadowy beauty which belongeth to deceiving vices.
2.6.13
For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art
God exalted over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory?
whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for
evermore. The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is
to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested
or withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The tendernesses
of the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender
than Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy
truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of
a desire of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance
and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and
uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and
what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the
sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides
the Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou
art the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures.
Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most
overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things;
and Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what
more excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly
than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers
things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee
what unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest?
Or where but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things
lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken
from it, as nothing can from Thee.
2.6.14
Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee,
seeking without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till
she returns to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove
far from Thee, and lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus
imitating Thee, they imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence
there is no place whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then
did I love in that theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly
imitate my Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy
law, because by power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might
mimic a maimed liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me,
a darkened likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing
from his Lord, and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness
of life, and depth of death! could I like what I might not, only because
I might not?
2.7.15
What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls
these things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee,
O Lord, and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast
forgiven me these so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace
I ascribe it, and to Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins
as it were ice. To Thy grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not
done of evil; for what might I not have done, who even loved a sin
for its own sake? Yea, all I confess to have been forgiven me; both
what evils I committed by my own wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance
I committed not. What man is he, who, weighing his own infirmity,
dares to ascribe his purity and innocency to his own strength; that
so he should love Thee the less, as if he had less needed Thy mercy,
whereby Thou remittest sins to those that turn to Thee? For whosoever,
called by Thee, followed Thy voice, and avoided those things which
he reads me recalling and confessing of myself, let him not scorn
me, who being sick, was cured by that Physician, through whose aid
it was that he was not, or rather was less, sick: and for this let
him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by whom he sees me to have
been recovered from such deep consumption of sin, by Him he sees himself
to have been from the like consumption of sin preserved.
2.8.16
What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the
remembrance whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which
I loved for the theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore
the more miserable I, who loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such
was I then, I remember, alone I had never done it. I loved then in
it also the company of the accomplices, with whom I did it? I did
not then love nothing else but the theft, yea rather I did love nothing
else; for that circumstance of the company was also nothing. What
is, in truth? who can teach me, save He that enlighteneth my heart,
and discovereth its dark corners? What is it which hath come into
my mind to enquire, and discuss, and consider? For had I then loved
the pears I stole, and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it
alone, had the bare commission of the theft sufficed to attain my
pleasure; nor needed I have inflamed the itching of my desires by
the excitement of accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those
pears, it was in the offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners
occasioned.
2.9.17
What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and
woe was me, who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his
errors? It was the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that
we beguiled those who little thought what we were doing, and much
disliked it. Why then was my delight of such sort that I did it not
alone? Because none doth ordinarily laugh alone? ordinarily no one;
yet laughter sometimes masters men alone and singly when on one whatever
is with them, if anything very ludicrous presents itself to their
senses or mind. Yet I had not done this alone; alone I had never done
it. Behold my God, before Thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul;
alone, I had never committed that theft wherein what I stole pleased
me not, but that I stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor
had I done it. O friendship too unfriendly! thou incomprehensible
inveigler of the soul, thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth
and wantonness, thou thirst of others' loss, without lust of my own
gain or revenge: but when it is said, "Let's go, let's do it," we
are ashamed not to be shameless.
2.10.18
Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul
is it: I hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for,
O Righteousness and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes,
and of a satisfaction unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life
imperturbable. Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the joy of his
Lord: and shall not fear, and shall do excellently in the All-Excellent.
I sank away from Thee, and I wandered, O my God, too much astray from
Thee my stay, in these days of my youth, and I became to myself a
barren land.
