St. Augustine Confessions Book 9 Book 10
9.1.1
O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy
handmaid: Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee
the sacrifice of Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let
all my bones say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and
answer Thou me, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I,
and what am I? What evil have not been either my deeds, or if not
my deeds, my words, or if not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord,
are good and merciful, and Thy right hand had respect unto the depth
of my death, and from the bottom of my heart emptied that abyss of
corruption. And this Thy whole gift was, to nill what I willed, and
to will what Thou willedst. But where through all those years, and
out of what low and deep recess was my free-will called forth in a
moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy easy yoke, and my shoulders
unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer?
How sweet did it at once become to me, to want the sweetnesses of
those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was now a joy to
part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou true and highest
sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them enteredst in Thyself,
sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood; brighter
than all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher than all honour,
but not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my soul free from
the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering in filth,
and scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue spake freely
to Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the Lord my
God.
9.2.2
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently
to withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour:
that the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying
dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms
for their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few
days unto the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them,
then in a regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased
by Thee, no more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to
Thee; but to men, other than our own friends, was it not known. For
we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although
to us, now ascending from the valley of tears, and singing that song
of degrees, Thou hadst given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against
the subtle tongue, which as though advising for us, would thwart,
and would out of love devour us, as it doth its meat.
9.2.3
Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried
Thy words as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy
servants, whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive,
being piled together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and
burned up that our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the
abyss; and they fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle
tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not
extinguish us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou
hast hallowed throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might
also find some to commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait
for the vacation now so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession,
which was before the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act
of mine, and observing how near was the time of vintage which I wished
to anticipate, would talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear
some great one. And what end had it served me, that people should
repute and dispute upon my purpose, and that our good should be evil
spoken of.
9.2.4
Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer
my lungs began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to
breathe deeply with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show
that they were injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking;
this had troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to
lay down that burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover,
at least to intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that
I might see how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me;
my God, Thou knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary,
and that no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence
taken by those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have
the freedom of Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that
interval of time were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet
they were endured manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime
bore a part of this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone,
and had been overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perchance,
some of Thy servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this,
that with a heart fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit
even one hour in the chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But
hast not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin
also, with my other most horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water?
9.3.5
Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness,
for that being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound,
he saw that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet
a Christian, his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly
than by any other chain, was he let and hindered from the journey
which we had now essayed. For he would not, he said, be a Christian
on any other terms than on those he could not. However, he offered
us courteously to remain at his country-house so long as we should
stay there. Thou, O Lord, shalt reward him in the resurrection of
the just, seeing Thou hast already given him the lot of the righteous.
For although, in our absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with
bodily sickness, and therein being made a Christian, and one of the
faithful, he departed this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only,
but on us also: lest remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend
towards us, yet unable to number him among Thy flock, we should be
agonised with intolerable sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are
Thine: Thy suggestions and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises,
Thou now requitest Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum,
where from the fever of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal
freshness of Thy Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins
upon earth, in that rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk,
Thine own mountain.
9.3.6
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although
he also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that
most pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom:
yet emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with
any Sacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth.
Whom, not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism,
being also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee
in perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in Africa, his
whole house having through him first been made Christian, didst Thou
release from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever
that be, which is signified by that bosom, there lives my Nebridius,
my sweet friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man: there
he liveth. For what other place is there for such a soul? There he
liveth, whereof he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now
lays he not his ear to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy
fountain, and drinketh as much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion
to his thirst, endlessly happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated
therewith, as to forget me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art
mindful of us. So were we then, comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed,
as far as friendship permitted, that our conversion was of such sort;
and exhorting him to become faithful, according to his measure, namely,
of a married estate; and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being
so near, he was all but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at
length; for long and many they seemed, for the love I bare to the
easeful liberty, that I might sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow,
My heart hath said unto Thee, I have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord,
will I seek.
9.4.7
Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my
Rhetoric Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And
it was done. Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before
rescued my heart. And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all
mine to the villa. What I there did in writing, which was now enlisted
in Thy service, though still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting
from the school of pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated
with others, as what with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius,
who was absent, my Epistles bear witness. And when shall I have time
to rehearse all Thy great benefits towards us at that time, especially
when hasting on to yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls
me, and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what
inward goads Thou tamedst me; and how Thou hast evened me, lowering
the mountains and hills of my high imaginations, straightening my
crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; and how Thou also subduedst
the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name of Thy Only Begotten,
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he would not at first vouchsafe
to have inserted in our writings. For rather would he have them savour
of the lofty cedars of the Schools, which the Lord hath now broken
down, than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, the antidote against
serpents.
9.4.8
Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the
Psalms of David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which
allow of no swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in
Thy real love, resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my
mother cleaving to us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the
tranquillity of age, motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents
did I utter unto Thee in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled
towards Thee, and on fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the
whole world, against the pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through
the whole world, nor can any hide himself from Thy heat. With what
vehement and bitter sorrow was I angered at the Manichees! and again
I pitied them, for they knew not those Sacraments, those medicines,
and were mad against the antidote which might have recovered them
of their madness. How I would they had then been somewhere near me,
and without my knowing that they were there, could have beheld my
countenance, and heard my words, when I read the fourth Psalm in that
time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought upon me: When I called,
the God of my righteousness heard me; in tribulation Thou enlargedst
me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear my prayer. Would that what
I uttered on these words, they could hear, without my knowing whether
they heard, lest they should think I spake it for their sakes! Because
in truth neither should I speak the same things, nor in the same way,
if I perceived that they heard and saw me; nor if I spake them would
they so receive them, as when I spake by and for myself before Thee,
out of the natural feelings of my soul.
9.4.9
I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing
in Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and
voice, when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men,
how long slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing?
For I had loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord,
hadst already magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and
setting Him at Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send
His promise, the Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already
sent Him, but I knew it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified,
rising again from the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then,
the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified.
And the prophet cries out, How long, slow of heart? why do ye love
vanity, and seek after leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified
His Holy One. He cries out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and
I so long, not knowing, loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and
therefore I heard and trembled, because it was spoken unto such as
I remembered myself to have been. For in those phantoms which I had
held for truths, was there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many
things earnestly and forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance.
Which would they had heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing!
They would perchance have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and
Thou wouldest hear them when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death
in the flesh did He die for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for
us.
9.4.10
I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O
my God, who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past,
that I might not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for
that it was not another nature of a people of darkness which sinned
for me, as they say who are not angry at themselves, and treasure
up wrath against the day of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just
judgment. Nor were my good things now without, nor sought with the
eyes of flesh in that earthly sun; for they that would have joy from
without soon become vain, and waste themselves on the things seen
and temporal, and in their famished thoughts do lick their very shadows.
Oh that they were wearied out with their famine, and said, Who will
show us good things? And we would say, and they hear, The light of
Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we are not that light which
enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened by Thee; that having
been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee. Oh that they could
see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was grieved that
I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their heart in
their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will show
us good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my chamber,
where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying my old
man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust in
Thee,- there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put
gladness in my heart. And I cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding
it inwardly. Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods; wasting
away time, and wasted by time; whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple
Essence other corn, and wine, and oil.
9.4.11
And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse,
O in peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down
and sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying
which is written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly
art the Self-same, Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which
forgetteth all toil, for there is none other with Thee, nor are we
to seek those many other things, which are not what Thou art: but
Thou, Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope. I read, and kindled;
nor found I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom myself had
been, a pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against those
writings, which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsome
with Thine own light: and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies
of this Scripture.
9.4.12
When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet
neither have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy
scourge, and the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then
torment me with pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height
that I could not speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friends
present to pray for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And
this I wrote on wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon as
with humble devotion we had bowed our knees, that pain went away.
But what pain? or how went it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my
God; for from infancy I had never experienced the like. And the power
of Thy Nod was deeply conveyed to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised
Thy Name. And that faith suffered me not to be at ease about my past
sins, which were not yet forgiven me by Thy baptism.
9.5.13
The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to
provide their scholars with another master to sell words to them;
for that I had both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty
of breathing and pain in my chest was not equal to the Professorship.
And by letters I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my
former errors and present desires, begging his advice what of Thy
Scriptures I had best read, to become readier and fitter for receiving
so great grace. He recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because
he above the rest is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel and of
the calling of the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson
in him, and imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed
when better practised in our Lord's own words.
9.6.14
Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name,
we left the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also
to be with me born again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility
befitting Thy Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so
as, with unwonted venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with
his bare feet. We joined with us the boy Adeodatus, born after the
flesh, of my sin. Excellently hadst Thou made him. He was not quite
fifteen, and in wit surpassed many grave and learned men. I confess
unto Thee Thy gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of all, and abundantly
able to reform our deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but
the sin. For that we brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou,
none else, had inspired us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts.
There is a book of ours entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between
him and me. Thou knowest that all there ascribed to the person conversing
with me were his ideas, in his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet
more admirable, I found in him. That talent struck awe into me. And
who but Thou could be the workmaster of such wonders? Soon didst Thou
take his life from the earth: and I now remember him without anxiety,
fearing nothing for his childhood or youth, or his whole self. Him
we joined with us, our contemporary in grace, to he brought up in
Thy discipline.
And we were baptised, and anxiety for our past life
vanished from us. Nor was I sated in those days with the wondrous
sweetness of considering the depth of Thy counsels concerning the
salvation of mankind. How did I weep, in Thy Hymns and Canticles,
touched to the quick by the voices of Thy sweet-attuned Church! The
voices flowed into mine ears, and the Truth distilled into my heart,
whence the affections of my devotion overflowed, and tears ran down,
and happy was I therein.
9.7.15
Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation
and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice
and hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother
to the Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose,
in favour of her heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The
devout people kept watch in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop
Thy servant. There my mother Thy handmaid, bearing a chief part of
those anxieties and watchings, lived for prayer. We, yet unwarmed
by the heat of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by the sight of the
amazed and disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that after
the manner of the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung,
lest the people should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow:
and from that day to this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost
all) Thy congregations, throughout other parts of the world following
herein.
9.7.16
Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop
where the bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom
Thou hadst in Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years),
whence Thou mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of
a woman, but an Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up,
and with due honour translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only
they who were vexed with unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves)
were cured, but a certain man who had for many years been blind, a
citizen, and well known to the city, asking and hearing the reason
of the people's confused joy, sprang forth desiring his guide to lead
him thither. Led thither, he begged to be allowed to touch with his
handkerchief the bier of Thy saints, whose death is precious in Thy
sight. Which when he had done, and put to his eyes, they were forthwith
opened. Thence did the fame spread, thence Thy praises glowed, shone;
thence the mind of that enemy, though not turned to the soundness
of believing, was yet turned back from her fury of persecuting. Thanks
to Thee, O my God. Whence and whither hast Thou thus led my remembrance,
that I should confess these things also unto Thee? which great though
they be, I had passed by in forgetfulness. And yet then, when the
odour of Thy ointments was so fragrant, did we not run after Thee.
Therefore did I more weep among the singing of Thy Hymns, formerly
sighing after Thee, and at length breathing in Thee, as far as the
breath may enter into this our house of grass.
9.8.17
Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst
join with us Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being
an officer of Court, was before us converted to Thee and baptised:
and quitting his secular warfare, girded himself to Thine. We were
together, about to dwell together in our devout purpose. We sought
where we might serve Thee most usefully, and were together returning
to Africa: whitherward being as far as Ostia, my mother departed this
life. Much I omit, as hastening much. Receive my confessions and thanksgivings,
O my God, for innumerable things whereof I am silent. But I will not
omit whatsoever my soul would bring forth concerning that Thy handmaid,
who brought me forth, both in the flesh, that I might be born to this
temporal light, and in heart, that I might be born to Light eternal.
Not her gifts, but Thine in her, would I speak of; for neither did
she make nor educate herself. Thou createdst her; nor did her father
and mother know what a one should come from them. And the sceptre
of Thy Christ, the discipline of Thine only Son, in a Christian house,
a good member of Thy Church, educated her in Thy fear. Yet for her
good discipline was she wont to commend not so much her mother's diligence,
as that of a certain decrepit maid-servant, who had carried her father
when a child, as little ones used to be carried at the backs of elder
girls. For which reason, and for her great age, and excellent conversation,
was she, in that Christian family, well respected by its heads. Whence
also the charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her, to
which she gave diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, when necessary,
with a holy severity, and teaching them with a grave discretion. For,
except at those hours wherein they were most temporately fed at their
parents' table, she would not suffer them, though parched with thirst,
to drink even water; preventing an evil custom, and adding this wholesome
advice: "Ye drink water now, because you have not wine in your power;
but when you come to be married, and be made mistresses of cellars
and cupboards, you will scorn water, but the custom of drinking will
abide." By this method of instruction, and the authority she had,
she refrained the greediness of childhood, and moulded their very
thirst to such an excellent moderation that what they should not,
that they would not.
9.8.18
And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon
her a love of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a
sober maiden, was bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed,
holding the vessel under the opening, before she poured the wine into
the flagon, she sipped a little with the tip of her lips; for more
her instinctive feelings refused. For this she did, not out of any
desire of drink, but out of the exuberance of youth, whereby it boils
over in mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits are wont to be
kept under by the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding to that
little, daily littles (for whoso despiseth little things shall fall
by little and little), she had fallen into such a habit as greedily
to drink off her little cup brim-full almost of wine. Where was then
that discreet old woman, and that her earnest countermanding? Would
aught avail against a secret disease, if Thy healing hand, O Lord,
watched not over us? Father, mother, and governors absent, Thou present,
who createdst, who callest, who also by those set over us, workest
something towards the salvation of our souls, what didst Thou then,
O my God? how didst Thou cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out
of another soul bring forth a hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet
out of Thy secret store, and with one touch remove all that foul stuff?
For a maid-servant with whom she used to go to the cellar, falling
to words (as it happens) with her little mistress, when alone with
her, taunted her with this fault, with most bitter insult, calling
her wine-bibber. With which taunt she, stung to the quick, saw the
foulness of her fault, and instantly condemned and forsook it. As
flattering friends pervert, so reproachful enemies mostly correct.
Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what themselves purposed, dost
Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought to vex her young mistress,
not to amend her; and did it in private, either for that the time
and place of the quarrel so found them; or lest herself also should
have anger, for discovering it thus late. But Thou, Lord, Governor
of all in heaven and earth, who turnest to Thy purposes the deepest
currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide of times, didst by
the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another; lest any, when he
observes this, should ascribe it to his own power, even when another,
whom he wished to be reformed, is reformed through words of his.
9.9.19
Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather
by Thee to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she
was of marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served
him as her lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching
Thee unto him by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her,
making her reverently amiable, and admirable unto her husband. And
she so endured the wronging of her bed as never to have any quarrel
with her husband thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him, that
believing in Thee, he might be made chaste. But besides this, he was
fervid, as in his affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not
to resist an angry husband, not in deed only, but not even in word.
Only when he was smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive
it, she would give an account of her actions, if haply he had overhastily
taken offence. In a word, while many matrons, who had milder husbands,
yet bore even in their faces marks of shame, would in familiar talk
blame their husbands' lives, she would blame their tongues, giving
them, as in jest, earnest advice: "That from the time they heard the
marriage writings read to them, they should account them as indentures,
whereby they were made servants; and so, remembering their condition,
ought not to set themselves up against their lords." And when they,
knowing what a choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had
never been heard, nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten
his wife, or that there had been any domestic difference between them,
even for one day, and confidentially asking the reason, she taught
them her practice above mentioned. Those wives who observed it found
the good, and returned thanks; those who observed it not, found no
relief, and suffered.
9.9.20
Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants
incensed against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering
endurance and meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her
son the meddling tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and
her daughter-in-law had been disturbed, asking him to correct them.
Then, when in compliance with his mother, and for the well-ordering
of the family, he had with stripes corrected those discovered, at
her will who had discovered them, she promised the like reward to
any who, to please her, should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to
her: and none now venturing, they lived together with a remarkable
sweetness of mutual kindness.
9.9.21
This great gift also thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon
that good handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that
between any disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able,
she showed herself such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most
bitter things, such as swelling and indigested choler uses to break
out into, when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sour
discourses to a present friend against an absent enemy, she never
would disclose aught of the one unto the other, but what might tend
to their reconcilement. A small good this might appear to me, did
I not to my grief know numberless persons, who through some horrible
and wide-spreading contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons
mutually angered things said in anger, but add withal things never
spoken, whereas to humane humanity, it ought to seem a light thing
not to toment or increase ill will by ill words, unless one study
withal by good words to quench it. Such was she, Thyself, her most
inward Instructor, teaching her in the school of the heart.
9.9.22
Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly
life, did she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him
as a believer, which before he was a believer she had borne from him.
She was also the servant of Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her,
did in her much praise and honour and love Thee; for that through
the witness of the fruits of a holy conversation they perceived Thy
presence in her heart. For she had been the wife of one man, had requited
her parents, had governed her house piously, was well reported of
for good works, had brought up children, so often travailing in birth
of them, as she saw them swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us
Thy servants, O Lord (whom on occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest
to speak), us, who before her sleeping in Thee lived united together,
having received the grace of Thy baptism, did she so take care of,
as though she had been mother of us all; so served us, as though she
had been child to us all.
9.10.23
The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which
day Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as
I believe, by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood
alone, leaning in a certain window, which looked into the garden of
the house where we now lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din of
men, we were recruiting from the fatigues of a long journey, for the
voyage. We were discoursing then together, alone, very sweetly; and
forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto
those things which are before, we were enquiring between ourselves
in the presence of the Truth, which Thou art, of what sort the eternal
life of the saints was to be, which eye hath not seen, nor ear heard,
nor hath it entered into the heart of man. But yet we gasped with
the mouth of our heart, after those heavenly streams of Thy fountain,
the fountain of life, which is with Thee; that being bedewed thence
according to our capacity, we might in some sort meditate upon so
high a mystery.
9.10.24
And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very
highest delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material
light, was, in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not
worthy of comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves
with a more glowing affection towards the "Self-same," did by degrees
pass through all things bodily, even the very heaven whence sun and
moon and stars shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet,
by inward musing, and discourse, and admiring of Thy works; and we
came to our own minds, and went beyond them, that we might arrive
at that region of never-failing plenty, where Thou feedest Israel
for ever with the food of truth, and where life is the Wisdom by whom
all these things are made, and what have been, and what shall be,
and she is not made, but is, as she hath been, and so shall she be
ever; yea rather, to "have been," and "hereafter to be," are not in
her, but only "to be," seeing she is eternal. For to "have been,"
and to "be hereafter," are not eternal. And while we were discoursing
and panting after her, we slightly touched on her with the whole effort
of our heart; and we sighed, and there we leave bound the first fruits
of the Spirit; and returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where
the word spoken has beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word,
our Lord, who endureth in Himself without becoming old, and maketh
all things new?
9.10.25
We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed,
hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the pole
of heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking
on self surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations,
every tongue and every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition,
since if any could hear, all these say, We made not ourselves, but
He made us that abideth for ever- If then having uttered this, they
too should be hushed, having roused only our ears to Him who made
them, and He alone speak, not by them but by Himself, that we may
hear His Word, not through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel's voice,
nor sound of thunder, nor in the dark riddle of a similitude, but
might hear Whom in these things we love, might hear His Very Self
without these (as we two now strained ourselves, and in swift thought
touched on that Eternal Wisdom which abideth over all); -could this
be continued on, and other visions of kind far unlike be withdrawn,
and this one ravish, and absorb, and wrap up its beholder amid these
inward joys, so that life might be for ever like that one moment of
understanding which now we sighed after; were not this, Enter into
thy Master's joy? And when shall that be? When we shall all rise again,
though we shall not all be changed?
9.10.26
Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner,
and these same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when
we were speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights
became, as we spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for
mine own part I have no further delight in any thing in this life.
What I do here any longer, and to what I am here, I know not, now
that my hopes in this world are accomplished. One thing there was
for which I desired to linger for a while in this life, that I might
see thee a Catholic Christian before I died. My God hath done this
for me more abundantly, that I should now see thee withal, despising
earthly happiness, become His servant: what do I here?"
9.11.27
What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For
scarce five days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever;
and in that sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a
while withdrawn from these visible things. We hastened round her;
but she was soon brought back to her senses; and looking on me and
my brother standing by her, said to us enquiringly, "Where was I?"
And then looking fixedly on us, with grief amazed: "Here," saith she,
"shall you bury your mother." I held my peace and refrained weeping;
but my brother spake something, wishing for her, as the happier lot,
that she might die, not in a strange place, but in her own land. Whereat,
she with anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for that he still
savoured such things, and then looking upon me: "Behold," saith she,
"what he saith": and soon after to us both, "Lay," she saith, "this
body any where; let not the care for that any way disquiet you: this
only I request, that you would remember me at the Lord's altar, wherever
you be." And having delivered this sentiment in what words she could,
she held her peace, being exercised by her growing sickness.
9.11.28
But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest
into the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring,
did rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew,
how careful and anxious she had ever been as to her place of burial,
which she had provided and prepared for herself by the body of her
husband. For because they had lived in great harmony together, she
also wished (so little can the human mind embrace things divine) to
have this addition to that happiness, and to have it remembered among
men, that after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthly of
this united pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same
earth. But when this emptiness had through the fulness of Thy goodness
begun to cease in her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what
she had so disclosed to me; though indeed in that our discourse also
in the window, when she said, "What do I here any longer?" there appeared
no desire of dying in her own country. I heard afterwards also, that
when we were now at Ostia, she with a mother's confidence, when I
was absent, one day discoursed with certain of my friends about the
contempt of this life, and the blessing of death: and when they were
amazed at such courage which Thou hadst given to a woman, and asked,
"Whether she were not afraid to leave her body so far from her own
city?" she replied, "Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared
lest at the end of the world, He should not recognise whence He were
to raise me up." On the ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty--
sixth year of her age, and the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was that
religious and holy soul freed from the body.
9.12.29
I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into
my heart, which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same
time, by the violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly
dry; and woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last,
the boy Adeodatus burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us
all, held his peace. In like manner also a childish feeling in me,
which was, through my heart's youthful voice, finding its vent in
weeping, was checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting to
solemnise that funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby
do they for the most part express grief for the departed, as though
unhappy, or altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her
death, nor altogether dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds,
the testimony of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned.
9.12.30
What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh
wound wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear
custom of living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when,
in that her last sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of
duty, she called me "dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection
of love, that she never had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered
by my mouth against her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison
is there betwixt that honour that I paid to her, and her slavery for
me? Being then forsaken of so great comfort in her, my soul was wounded,
and that life rent asunder as it were, which, of hers and mine together,
had been made but one.
9.12.31
The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the
Psalter, and began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm,
I will sing of mercy and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearing what
we were doing, many brethren and religious women came together; and
whilst they (whose office it was) made ready for the burial, as the
manner is, I (in a part of the house, where I might properly), together
with those who thought not fit to leave me, discoursed upon something
fitting the time; and by this balm of truth assuaged that torment,
known to Thee, they unknowing and listening intently, and conceiving
me to be without all sense of sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none
of them heard, I blamed the weakness of my feelings, and refrained
my flood of grief, which gave way a little unto me; but again came,
as with a tide, yet not so as to burst out into tears, nor to change
of countenance; still I knew what I was keeping down in my heart.
And being very much displeased that these human things had such power
over me, which in the due order and appointment of our natural condition
must needs come to pass, with a new grief I grieved for my grief,
and was thus worn by a double sorrow.
9.12.32
And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and
returned without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured
forth unto Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for
her, when now the corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there
is, previous to its being laid therein, did I weep even during those
prayers; yet was I the whole day in secret heavily sad, and with troubled
mind prayed Thee, as I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst not;
impressing, I believe, upon my memory by this one instance, how strong
is the bond of all habit, even upon a soul, which now feeds upon no
deceiving Word. It seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having
heard that the bath had its name (balneum) from the Greek Balaneion
for that it drives sadness from the mind. And this also I confess
unto Thy mercy, Father of the fatherless, that I bathed, and was the
same as before I bathed. For the bitterness of sorrow could not exude
out of my heart. Then I slept, and woke up again, and found my grief
not a little softened; and as I was alone in my bed, I remembered
those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou art the -
"Maker of all, the Lord,
And Ruler of the height,
Who, robing day in light, hast poured
Soft slumbers o'er the night,
That to our limbs the power
Of toil may be renew'd,
And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower,
And sorrows be subdu'd." -
9.12.33
And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts
of Thy handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness
and observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I
was minded to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf
and in my own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained,
to overflow as much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them;
and it found rest in them, for it was in Thy ears, not in those of
man, who would have scornfully interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord,
in writing I confess it unto Thee. Read it, who will, and interpret
it, how he will: and if he finds sin therein, that I wept my mother
for a small portion of an hour (the mother who for the time was dead
to mine eyes, who had for many years wept for me that I might live
in Thine eyes), let him not deride me; but rather, if he be one of
large charity, let him weep himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father
of all the brethren of Thy Christ.
9.13.34
But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem
blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God,
in behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing
from a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul
that dieth in Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ,
even before her release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of
Thy name for her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say that from
what time Thou regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from her
mouth against Thy Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever
shall say unto his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell
fire. And woe be even unto the commendable life of men, if, laying
aside mercy, Thou shouldest examine it. But because Thou art not extreme
in enquiring after sins, we confidently hope to find some place with
Thee. But whosoever reckons up his real merits to Thee, what reckons
he up to Thee but Thine own gifts? O that men would know themselves
to be men; and that he that glorieth would glory in the Lord.
9.13.35
I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying
aside for a while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee
with joy, do now beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto
me, I entreat Thee, by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the
tree, and now sitting at Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee
for us. I know that she dealt mercifully, and from her heart forgave
her debtors their debts; do Thou also forgive her debts, whatever
she may have contracted in so many years, since the water of salvation.
Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I beseech Thee; enter not into judgment
with her. Let Thy mercy be exalted above Thy justice, since Thy words
are true, and Thou hast promised mercy unto the merciful; which Thou
gavest them to be, who wilt have mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy;
and wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion.
9.13.36
And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept,
O Lord, the free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her
dissolution now at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously
wound up, or embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument,
or to be buried in her own land. These things she enjoined us not;
but desired only to have her name commemorated at Thy Altar, which
she had served without intermission of one day: whence she knew the
holy Sacrifice to be dispensed, by which the hand-writing that was
against us is blotted out; through which the enemy was triumphed over,
who summing up our offences, and seeking what to lay to our charge,
found nothing in Him, in Whom we conquer. Who shall restore to Him
the innocent blood? Who repay Him the price wherewith He bought us,
and so take us from Him? Unto the Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy
handmaid bound her soul by the bond of faith. Let none sever her from
Thy protection: let neither the lion nor the dragon interpose himself
by force or fraud. For she will not answer that she owes nothing,
lest she be convicted and seized by the crafty accuser: but she will
answer that her sins are forgiven her by Him, to Whom none can repay
that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid for us.
9.13.37
May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after
whom she had never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth
fruit unto Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire,
O Lord my God, inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters,
whom with voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shall
read these Confessions, may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid,
with Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest
me into this life, how I know not. May they with devout affection
remember my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee
our Father in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that
eternal Jerusalem which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their
Exodus, even unto their return thither. That so my mother's last request
of me, may through my confessions, more than through my prayers, be,
through the prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her.
